For what it's worth

So its Saturday night and once again I'm alone. drinking a beer. listening to itunes. thinking. life is weird. you think you know someone..but you don't. you think you're sure of what you truly want out of life and then everything changes in an instant. i cant read chris' mind and i sure as hell don't want to try. he doesn't know if he wants to be with me or not. he says he needs time and space and I'm giving it to him but its not good enough i guess and I'm not sure what else to do. so that's it. I've given up trying to make him happy and give him what HE wants because I'm not getting what I want in the end. i guess at the end of the day the only person i really need to make happy is myself. and lately i havent been that happy. it sucks. but whatever. I'm gonna change that.

vacation is less than 2 weeks away and i cannot wait for it to get here. I'm gonna have fun. do what i want to do...and that's that.

i wanted so badly to have Chris with me and have fun with me. but its no possible. so does that mean that i don't get to have fun too? i think not. i do all the shit he wants to do. that he thinks is fun. like washing his work trucks and going to the yard where they keep the work trucks. yea....that really doesn't excite me in any way shape or form. its embarrassing when i get invited to things like parties for work, or family and friends...and he doesn't want to go with me. when everyone else brings their significant other...I'm here all alone or with Erin. i don't mind have Erin with me but i guess people think we're lesbo's ha ha. whatever. it'd be nice to have him with me, that's what i was getting at.

i think what i have to do now is just be single. forget all this bullshit. don't bother him. have fun and do what makes me happy.

I'm gonna get my passport...and maybe get some people together and go away. that'd be amazing. i want to see the world. i would love to go to Italy. or the Caribbean. anywhere really. ha ha. meet some hot men and drink and dance.

oh well. i cant dwell on it. i love this boy with all my heart but hes not helping me out here. so i have to do what is best for me. cut all ties with him. even though we've been through alot together. its gonna be hard at first but i know i can do it. =)